Intent Based Leadership - Task, Purpose, End State in Family

Intent-Based Leadership - Task, Purpose, End State in Family

Even canoes can
be turned around

Author and retired Navy Submarine Capt L. David Marquet among other experts around the country has talked a lot about Intent-Based Leadership.  (If you haven't read Turn The Ship Around by Mr. Marquet, you should).  The folks at Mission Centered Solutions have helped translate some of this leadership theory into the fire service as Intent-Based Planning.  For our purposes, I'll overly simplify the process by saying that we, like Steven Covey, advocated, we should begin with the end in mind...or convey "leader's intent" from the beginning.  

Often, we translate it into "task, purpose, end state" when building plans for disaster/crisis response.  In other words, instead of just giving a task or tactic to someone, we build in the "why" factor.  Throughout the proverbial "sausage-making process" to use an analogy, we try to build in the leader's intent through the planning process, operational briefings, and ultimately into the task-level work in the field.  As we can apply this to a personal finance concept, we can't skip the "why" and the
theory or strategy when we're implementing tactical-level tasks.  Sun Tzu said it best, "Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before the defeat."  

The leader sets the tone...

We recently had some friends who were looking at having their second child and decided to get serious about finance...which is great.  Without the overarching strategy to center them, they searched through the pile of feel-good/get-rich-quick/save-money-quick schemes.  They came up with implementing a "spending freeze week," which is great in theory, but it loses its teeth in a vacuum.  The same tactic (spending freeze) under a purpose/end state (saving a certain amount of money, changing habits, etc) is huge.  

For our friends, they did the spending freeze, counting down to the end of the week, and then blew the budget the next week.  When you look at their month-over-month running average spending, you wouldn't be able to spot the month with the spending freeze.  This all isn't to poo-poo tactics without an end state...they have merit and can be valuable.  This is to say, tactics, when aligned to a desired end state, get powerful results and move the proverbial needle.  

Sometimes it takes professionals...
or semi-professionals.

In our family, some of our desired end states relate to how we want our kids to turn out.  Financially
literate (knowing how to be successful) and disciplined (to actually be successful).  When we take that end goal and reverse engineer it, we can come up with a set of implementable tasks (commission for chores, give/save/spend money system, and become delayed gratification practitioners).  The purpose of these tasks, done over time and internalized creates the literacy and discipline of our desired end state.  If this whole thing sounds like an overly simplified, "well duh" sort of thing...you're not entirely wrong.  Just because it is simple, doesn't make it any less powerful or practical.  

Little things matter.

Another example, we're pretty adamant that we, as people, and our kids in particular, are better forms of ourselves when we're outdoors.  We're also big believers in lots of reading.  Those two items require many small, habitual tasks (picking out books, creating time to go walk around the block, choosing adventure over couch sitting, and so forth).  Often, we have a tendency or a temptation, especially when life is busy, to opt toward just hanging around on the weekend after a busy week.  The task/purpose/end state reminders that we use in our language, conversation, and lifestyle, help us to lean toward those small activities that make big results.  You could use this same framework for diet, exercise, or any habit you're trying to break/make in your life.  Associating each small "what" with a deeper connected way and connecting them to a strategic outcome matters.  

Too often, especially with the more nebulous or longer-term projects like marriage and kid-rearing, we fall into ruts and just go along with the way the stream goes.  The whole, "you're the average of your five closest people" can be a great thing...if those five folks are aligned to our strategic desired end states...if not it can be catastrophic.  Use intent-based leadership to direct how you'll do life...which in turn, when done right translates into who you (your spouse and kids) ultimately become.  

It takes a team to turn it 
around effectively.

As we close, a slight "war story."  We were in a meeting with our old non-profit when a national-level leader was giving a talk to our regional team.  In his analogy, he talked about how we, as an organization had been paddling with only one side for a long time and now we were putting both oars in the water.  A friend and peer, who was an expert raft guide leaned over and whispered, "That's why we've been going in circles all these years."  Defining the task, purpose, and end state...you know, the task of putting both paddles in the water toward the end state gets you there way faster.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a specific problem you're going to address at home by giving it Task-Purpose-End State language.  See how that goes and then write out three that you'll commit to for a month (kids, marriage, faith, etc). 
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in regards to this framework at home.  It gets more powerful and "sticky" when you intentionally talk the talk while walking the walk.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Turn the Ship Around 

- Forbes Intent-Based Leadership Article

- National Wildland Fire Article

First, Worst, and Last

First, Worst, and Last

In many cases across the country, big disasters are typically the first, worst, and last in the careers of

Sometimes it's your first flood...

those locally involved.  In other words, let's say you're the fire chief, mayor, or dog catcher - the big flood/fire/tornado/whatever is likely/hopefully the first in your career, the worst in your career, and the last of your career.  In general, unless you live in the hurricane country where you're getting hit time and again, most of us either move away, or the disasters are spaced far enough apart to avoid your tenure.  

For us, here at Family In The Arena, we hope that the same holds true for you...those "no good, very bad" events hopefully never cross your door...and if they do, hopefully, they're once-in-a-lifetime occurrences.  We can list those activities that fall into the "no good, very bad" categories and then work backward on how we avoid those outcomes.  Certainly, natural disasters and the like make the list and there are plenty of resources out there addressing our general preparedness against such things, including some resources we share on this site.  We're talking more about those that impact your family...from within your family.  For illustrative purposes, let's look at our threats/hazards risk assessment, including untimely death, divorce, sudden illness, and job loss.  

Have a plan.

In examining those "big four," we hopefully experience them so infrequently in our lives that we're unfamiliar with them and haven't learned how to deal with them through personal experience.  If they do cross our doorstep, they've got big enough consequences that it's important we have an organized way to deal with them thought through ahead of time.  This also means that we've got to learn from others to distill some best practices without learning them personally.  Our hope for you and your family is that you don't know how to navigate divorce proceedings because you're on your fourth wife, nor how to survive job loss from the repetitions in the unemployment line.  

Or your first delivery sleigh...

With any of the "personal disasters" that can befall you, you'll hopefully be able to put in some preventative steps to entirely avoid the situations...and if that doesn't work, have mitigations to reduce the severity.  Unlike, say a tornado and more like a hurricane, there are often plenty of lead-up warning times/signs to help you avoid some personal disasters.  In other words, a divorce or heart attack aren't generally (or shouldn't be) gigantic surprises, which, for our planning purposes is a good thing.  Also, most of these disasters have predictable commonalities, which means we can prepare for them more intelligently from other people's experiences.   

Have a game plan,
or at least a bat.

For those days that end up beyond imaginable in our own lives or those in our close circles, it's important to have a worked-through set of core plans that you can go to quickly to minimize your necessary actions, reduce inefficient movements, and allow us to focus on our grief and emotions in the moment.  Whether a community disaster plan for a mayor or a personal how-to guide in your own home, a checklist that you personalize can help you get more smoothly through those awful days.  By creating and refining those personal checklists throughout your life, you'll be better prepared to walk (or help loved ones, perhaps your loved ones if you're gone) through those beyond-emotional experiences that pop up in life.  

We've got a few of those templates available (e.g. an untimely death plan that spells out our final wishes and gives helpful directions/information like passwords/accounts, and the corresponding essential legal paperwork).  We'd encourage you to build your own "emergency binder" or as we call it "3-2 Binder" from the (a) severity of the situation like a 3-2 pitch in baseball and (b) some personal haptics here our little family code of 3="I Love You" and 2="Thank You" combine to be a tool we can leave behind if we go early.  Organize those important documents, write a letter telling them how much you love them, and set them up for success.  This organizational work is something you'll be grateful for if one (or heaven forbid, both of you) passes early, you suffer a natural disaster or find yourself suddenly unemployed.  The universal nature of being organized provides a margin and runway to get your feet underneath you because you've pre-decided some of the important decisions and put some of the things in place that lessen the practical impacts.  

Take a minute to learn from others and plan/prepare ahead of time...because like it or not, fair or not, bad things happen all too frequently in our lives.  As bad as those situations are, they can be made exponentially worse with a lack of a little planning.  We hope that you live a blessed and charmed life where those bad days truly are "first, worst, and last" in your life.  When they hit (and they will in some shape or form), we hope you've done some due diligence that lessens their practical impact so you can focus on the emotional impacts.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out one of the biggest hazards out there...list out three first actions you would do if they occur.  List out three things you can do to prevent the bad thing from happening.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in order to be ready for any sideways turns.  Have a conversation with your immediate family on those big four items and how to avoid them.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Chanel Reynolds - Get Your Sh*t Together - https://getyourshittogether.org/ 

- Dear Wife... from BudgetsAreSexy.com - https://budgetsaresexy.com/dear-wife-heres-how-to-fire-if-i-die-early/

Tradition

Tradition

Traditions ground us.

Tradition: "the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation, or the fact of being passed on in this way."  For many families, including ours, tradition is, in large part what makes us who we are.  It grounds us, moors us, and connects us to something bigger than ourselves.  It is a differentiating principle between us and others.  It helps define who we are and who we aren't.  Tradition, over time, helps us become who we say we want to become.  Done right, tradition often becomes the memorable bookends we look back on fondly in the rearview mirror.  For your family, it can be a powerful tool in your arsenal for "standing in the arena" and doing life intentionally.  

Our kids are 5th generation
to go to this rodeo event.

As you're looking at your family, it's important to ask thoughtful questions.  What makes tradition?  Us doing something more than once?  Us doing something someone else did more than once?  Us doing something generations have done more than once?  What are our traditions?  Are they the ones we want them to be?  Are they memorable, lasting, and meaningful?  Do they lead us closer to who we are as a family?  Do they build upon our heritage?  How do you answer those questions?  

Traditions are 
timeless through
generations.

Our traditions are just that...ours.  Chances are they can run into trouble with expectation management when they come into conflict with others.  For many families, the decision of how, where, and with whom to spend holidays is sometimes a contentious point.  As you build your traditions, commit to them.  For our family, there were hurt feelings when we chose not to travel halfway across the country to be at every family gathering or event.  We have chosen to make a tradition of traveling to a new (often warm and/or sandy) place around Christmas.  It's been an amazing gift to give our children (and get) over the years we've been doing it.  To mitigate some of the hard feelings, we've also built a tradition of visiting relatives in the summer.  

Coming up in the military and the fire service, it's safe to say both professions are
steeped in tradition.  It's been joked that the fire service is "150 years of tradition, unimpeded by progress."  In some ways, that's true.  In other ways, the strong foundation from those 150 years allows us to be a learning profession taking the universal truths and applied to modern changes in technology and emerging challenges.  For our families, we have the opportunity to adopt, modify, or create new traditions in our own lives.  Back to our holiday example, what will Christmas look like at your house?  How are you going to address the topics/traditions of Christmas Eve service, stockings, Santa, etc.?  What is the right balance of now vs next - going over the hill to grandma's house when no one seems to enjoy that versus a Texas beach?  The strong foundations from our childhoods help inspire the way we choose to do traditions with our boys.  

The annual "thankful"
pumpkin

Holidays are an easy one to link to or view through a "traditional" lens.  What else do we hold up as traditional and what do we want to pass on as tradition?  Be intentional in creating, or doing away with traditions...they truly have generational ramifications...for better or worse.  Is Friday night pizza and movie night a tradition?  Does that habitual action get you closer to who you want your family to become?  In this case, movie night every night becomes screen-addicted kids and loses the meaningful "traditional" nature of the act.  Part of tradition transcends the "thing" itself and is rooted in not only the "what" but more importantly the "why" and the "how."  

You've got to 
pre-game
movie night.

When we think about modifying or creating traditions, it is important to consider novelty and "sprinkles" to those special traditions.  For the movie night example, consider adding "movie tickets," or a movie poster.  Think about adding in special snacks - not just popcorn, but perhaps a popcorn bar with some powdered toppings, chocolate chips, M&Ms, etc.  When the weather gets colder, bust out the cocoa bar with marshmallows, peppermint, Peeps, caramels, and such.  Better yet, grab a cheap camping stove at Walmart, a can of gas, and make your cocoa outside somewhere.  It doesn't have to be extravagant or expensive, just novel and intentional.  

Switching gears just a little, there seems to be a chunk of unconnected conversations recently about "I never thought life would turn out this way" among some of our circle.  In talking through several examples in this vein and diving past the surface of the conversation, much of the angst and frustration boiled down to (a) expectation management, and (b) traditions.  That intersection of those two topics has really got us contemplating and thinking about our future when we're looking back at our lives and building traditions that we'll look back on fondly.  It's also got us thinking about what matters to our immediate family...first and foremost, which, I believe is a calling and commitment we make when we get married and start a family.  Those same conversations have also spurred some introspection about the nature of our traditions and whether choosing "us first," in those traditions is selfish?  If it matters - good or bad?  And if it's the right answer?  Or is that just what we tell ourselves?  As for me and my house, we'll choose traditions that hold up our family above all else.  How about you?

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Talk about three traditions you want to change and three traditions (new ones) you want to implement in your home in the coming year.  Put them on the calendar.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Have a conversation with your immediate family about the season of life right around the corner and what you need to do now to get the new habits in place.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) for changing, or adding some new traditions to your family.  Tweak them and then embrace them.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- 23 New Traditions - Southern Living Magazine

Parent the Child You Have

Parent the Child You Have

Hurricanes are not good...avoid them.

On a deployment to Hurricane Harvey in 2017, what was supposed to be a contingency assignment..."back up Corpus Christi in case it goes pear-shaped, but you should be home by Friday."  In hindsight, we probably should have heard the background soundtrack of evil cackling "mu-hah-hah."  As you may know, the rest of the story Harvey became America's second most expensive storm and biggest rainstorm ever, soundly centered over the Houston metroplex...and there we were.  The head of our national organization in what has to be one of the greatest pep talks of all time told us on a conference call as it became clear what we were in for, "We're going to fight with the army we have, not necessarily the army we want."  So began a month of crazy operations wrapped in chaos and heartbreak...and heroes.  In the middle of that response, I flew home to find the gender of our second child, then back a day later for a field promotion to run one of our sections...so much for the "army we have."  

It may not be 
heliskiing down
Everest...but it's 
what we have...
and that's enough.

As we go through life, in much the same way, the same advice can go for our reality, "Parent the child you have," "Love the spouse you have," - how often do we see parents or other married couples parenting/loving the child/spouse "their neighbor has?"  In other words, how often do we see a parent try to relive their glory days or live vicariously through their child's experience?  Or compare the neighbor's _____ (style, looks, fitness, cooking, etc) to our own spouse?  The Andy Stanley dating advice, "Be the person you're looking for, is looking for" applies to our home lives, perhaps especially after we're married and have kids.  The old "be the change you want to see in the world" applies inside our four walls.  

Homeschool has its
perks, like skiing 
on a Tuesday.

I have a co-worker who was going on about how our boys are doing so well with homeschooling and
life in general.  Another said, "I wish my kids could be more like yours.  Not all of us can afford homeschooling" with a putout, snotty tone.  What she wasn't saying or admitting is that she wanted the results but not the sacrifices.  She drives a brand new car and lives in a brand new house, both objectively far "nicer" than what we have...but "can't afford" to homeschool.  The reality is, she chooses not to homeschool, then makes excuses about it.  In other words, she's created the child she has, but says she wants the results of someone who took a different path.  That's all good when we wish we were taller, smarter, stronger...but it's devastating when we (A) aren't willing to put in the work/make the changes, and (B) when we then compare our loved ones against some artificial standard.  You can't eat cake all day every day, and expect to be a champion marathoner...life is all about tradeoffs and opportunity costs.  

The line between embracing who your child/spouse is - their strengths, weaknesses, interests, and such - and who they "need" to become is a tough one to navigate.  We owe it to them to help them progress through the skills necessary to live up to their potential.  We shouldn't conflate that to mean that we must micro-manage and route clear (helicopter parent) to our desired end goal for them.  The quintessential example of forcing our "nerdy" kid to be the "quarterback I never was" is an easy one to glom onto.  When we think about the "needed" preparedness elements for our kids, it's important to really focus on "who" not "what" we/they desire to become (think things like kindness, integrity, competence, provider, and so forth more than some specialty skill like "throw a ball well").  

This season won't look like 
the last or the next, neither 
will your loved ones.

This idea of "present and future" is important to think about seasonally as well.  We have a family friend who was pretty adamant, "I don't do babies, I'll interact with them when they can walk and talk."  His insistence on this meant he was largely unplugged for the first couple of very formative years for his children.  Similarly, we didn't take a vow to love our spouse "when it's convenient," we promised an unconditional "in sickness and in health," George Strait kind of love.  This means that when our spouse or child is in a tough season, we need to lean in, not away.  It's too easy to find parenting/loving our loved ones inconvenient, uncomfortable, ugly, and lean away when the seas get rough.  For this season, this is the spouse/child we have...period...dot.  You promised to love them - who they were, who they are, and who they're becoming.  Don't shirk the actions to fulfill that responsibility.  

They're not 12
sport varsity
athletes, neither
am I.  That's ok.

As we think about the "child/spouse we have" vs the "child/spouse we want," it's important to realize much of that change is on our shoulders (or at least I hope you have that kind of involvement/ influence in their lives).  Chances are, you and your spouse aren't the people you each married...you've both grown and evolved in the years/decades since you tied the knot (the girl I married was a snowboarder, not a mom, now those have switched).  That also means that you'll not be the same person a few years from now that you are reading this.  The good news is, that whether it's you, your spouse, or your child, we can mold the "who we become" along the way.  This process is seldom overnight and it shouldn't be done without some intentionality at the helm.  

As we talk about changing, a "pre-req" or "optimum word" in this premise is "parent"...not "friend" the child you have.  If your kid is a "gamer" who has lost all social skills and dwells in the basement seeped in unproductivity...you need to be a parent...not a friend.  Similarly, in your relationship with your husband or wife, the relationship and the evolution may require "what needs to be said/done" not what the other person "wants to hear."  On a recent Ramit Sethi clip (I'll Teach You to Be Rich fame), a couple was being interviewed and the husband had been keeping their debt level a secret since "she wanted nice things."  They'd been living the life lie they wanted, not the life they had.  Instead of cutting expenses, increasing income, or the other basics to change their circumstances closer to their desires, they doubled down and now had dug a combined several hundred thousand dollar hole.  In trying to protect her/them, he/they sunk them.  

You're there 
for who they 
are, not what
they are.

Parenting the child we have or loving the spouse we have is, in part the unconditional call to love them.  It is also part of the responsibility to help shape our/their shared future toward positive, desired end states.  We can love the child we have (ours wants to be a pirate, but we have to have the foresight to steer those instincts) while helping mold and shape the actions necessary to become the right "who" down the road.  The delicate balance of "loving our pirate" while also steering him into something more productive long-range is a needle to thread carefully.  We can pour into the positive characteristics of piracy (adventure, great music, snappy clothes) without embracing or encouraging the not-so-good (the whole "rape and pillage" thing or lack of bathing habits as examples).  We can love the pirate, while using our experience as adults to steer them positively forward.  You can extrapolate what this might mean in your home, but love is a verb, it's not passive, and sometimes because we love someone we say/do the hard, awkward, or unpleasant and necessary things.  

Ultimately, through love, we can help those in our inner circle become better versions of themselves.  In reality, we're called to help them do so.  Take some time to talk to your loved ones about their desired end states, then invest the time, energy, and resources into helping cross those finish lines together.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three things that you love about your spouse and each child.  Tell them why that is.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Have a conversation about how you can help ensure that your loved ones are moving closer to who they desire to become and remind them that you love them now...and then through your words, commitments, and actions.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) changes in your home as it relates to loving who your loved ones are...enough to accept their choices and help them move toward those "what does success look like" desired end states.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Love Does by Bob Goff

- "True happiness is wanting what you have."  

So What, So That

So What, So That

So often, we go through life talking about or floating from one "what" to another "what" without ever really stopping to think about why we're doing the "what" or where we hope the series of "what's" get us to.  Life can be more full and fulfilling when we ask ourselves "So what?" and answer with "So that."  When we get to these deeper levels of questions, hinting at the "why" we're doing the thing, it helps us ensure we're doing the right things in pursuit of the right directions...a motivating thing to be sure.  Since leading and raising a family, like any other great journey starts with a single step, it's important to make sure those steps are the right ones.  

A "big why" makes any so what easier.

To bring efficiency and effectiveness to our otherwise disconnected series of "what's" we first have to start asking ourselves "So what?"  This serves as a gatekeeper for us to take those individual items and invest our scarce resources (time, attention, finances).  This introspection of our tasks helps us be more efficient in weeding out some of the menial tasks that we talk about as Q4 items in the Eisenhower or Covey Matrix, or those that are neither important nor urgent.  

In asking ourselves why we're doing what we're doing, then answering them with a "so that..."
statement, we dive even deeper and double down on the important activities.  This simple shift in words-matter language that we use to tell ourselves can be a might inspiration.  As an example, I've had a season of life recently where work was pretty rough.  By only focusing on the "what," in this case work that was tedious, demoralizing, and utterly bureaucratic for bureaucracy's sake, I was getting burned out.  By asking these questions, and then honestly digging deep for the answers, I reoriented my paradigms to pull me through the season.  

I do this, so they can
do that...

In answering the "I go to work because...it takes good care of my family and enables a lifestyle that is pretty amazing."  In digging deeper, "I go to work so that my wife and kids can have an amazing 9-5 weekday schedule, living their best life punctuated with amazing evenings, weekends, and vacations each year."  Further talking through the "so what, so that" language, "so what" helped me get out of the victim mentality where I was focused on seeing the negative aspects of life and letting them color the rest of the very positive pieces - good salary, solid benefits, short commute, little required travel, good co-workers.  From the victim space, it'd be easy to shortsightedly throw the "baby out with the bath water" and start over when the proverbial grass isn't likely better on the other side of the fence.  Without asking "so what, so that" questions we could quite likely end up in a much worse overall situation.  

Using these questions in our daily lives helps change our paradigms or the lenses that color our worldviews.  Approaching household chores with the "so what, so that" flavors our interactions.  "I make choices because my wife loves me.  I'll ________ (take out the trash, mow the grass, put the kids to bed, etc.) tonight so that ________ (my wife can have some downtime, get a break, or do something meaningful to her).  Instead of coming at the situation from a woe-is-me perspective, we can come at it from a foundation of gratitude when we ask and answer the so-what/so-that questions in our heads.  

SAR is on the job...sort of...

Similarly, we can translate or change our units of measure to get to a "so what, so that" paradigm shift.  For example, from a financial perspective, translating a purchase you're considering into how many hours it takes to earn it can help our decision-making process.  When we say that a new "widget" costs 20 hours instead of, say $200 after-tax dollars, it may help with our "so-what."  Further translating that into how many "hours" off of our retirement date with compounding interest (say 25 days... compounding is the 8th wonder of the world).  Now, with our "so what" better clarified, we can make a more informed decision.  Obviously, not every decision requires a "so what, so that" analysis, but the more we practice doing these, the more it becomes second nature.  

The rescue went well...
until Mom said we 
couldn't keep it.

In perhaps the most stark and dramatic manner, the mission of many search and rescue (SAR) teams, namely the famed Air Force Pararescue is "These Things We Do, That Others May Live."  The implication reinforces the seriousness that we're willing to trade our literal lives for their literal lives.  At our homes, hopefully, the trade isn't so stark, but we can glean the lesson, "I put down this phone so that I can focus quality time with my spouse and kids."  Most of our home examples likely pale in comparison to a literal trading of life...but hopefully we're doing the trades so that our biggest "why's" and end states come to pass.

Long story short, with our families, it's important to live intentionally and by asking introspective questions, habitually, we can better shape our present actions in relation to our future desired end states.  Ask and answer the "so what" and "so that" questions to help us reframe our decisions so we're sure we're standing in the right arena, and doing the right things.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out a few things that you've struggled with (finances, diet, TV, phones, workaholic, etc) that you can reframe your paradigm with so what, so that thinking.  Write out a few key changes
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) personally, as a family in so what and so that at home.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Start With Why - by Simon Sinek

- So That Others May Live - JaxVellex

Don't Step Over a Mess

Don't Step Over a Mess

...or, you can just 
be a belly button
monster at dinner.

In a fire class, I had an instructor who put it this way, "If you put out the fire, you don't have to jump out the window."  In other words, if we get good at prevention or mitigation, we don't necessarily have to respond or recover.  Around the house, this may mean that if we just pick up the messes as we go, we don't have to devote time to clean them up later.  This may take the form of putting dirty dishes right into the dishwasher, carrying dirty laundry down to the machine, or picking up trash/toys/stuff instead of stepping over them.  By taking care of the little things straight away, we likely avoid arguments and become better family members/partners to our family.  

Creating a mess
can be fun.
Annual eat off
the table night.

Many of us have a "honey do" to-do list that we keep around our homes.  In theory, if we get good at just doing the small things instead of putting them off for either (a) later in the day/week/month, or (b) for our spouse to take care of, we're not being particularly helpful or fair.  If you haven't heard it before, marriage isn't a 50-50 proposition, it's both of us giving 100%, 100% of the time.  Me filling the dishwasher or washing machine is just fine.  My wife catching the occasional lawn mowing or snow shoveling, again, just fine.  We have the chores that both of us gravitate toward or avoid, but in general, there's harmony in our house when any of us (kids included) see-it-fix-it as we go about our days.  In the vein of "only touch it once," we can just do things right and completely the first time.  For example, instead of opening an email and reading it, then marking it unread to come back to...just blast out a reply.  Instead of carrying the dirty clothes to the foot of the stairs, then later to the landing, then again, later downstairs, and on the fourth, fifth, or sixth touch of the clothes pile actually get them into the washer - when the hamper is full...do the load.    

Don't make a mountain out
of a molehill unless you can 
get a sled ride out of it.

We've tried implementing a few systems and processes in our home to help us avoid the deferred"chores" or maintenance activities.  One such tool has been a Countdown to Adventure to-do list that we keep on the fridge during the week and if it's empty as we go into the weekend, we'll do some guilt-free adventure as a family.  That's far more motivating to catch whatever chore when we get home from work on a Tuesday, knowing that we're knocking it off for our later selves.  We've also made a to-done list where we'll copy completed items over to show what all has been accomplished (I'm task-driven enough, that I may or may not have added things we've done to the to-do list just so we can cross them off...allegedly that is).  Additionally, we've implemented a "nut jar" commission system where the kids can earn acorns in a mason jar throughout the week for doing chores around the house or "caught you being good" activities that they can cash out weekly at family night.  

The shovels don't
live in the hall
closet...usually.

We've also tried to create "don't step over a mess" systems through little rules.  A few examples include, "If it takes longer to write it on the to-do list than to just do it...then just do it."  We've also tried posting to-do items in a prominent and public place in the house to hold us just a little more accountable than a sticky note on a busy counter.  Lastly, we've had some success at having a "junk" drawer in a hall closet with a few basic tools.  Instead of skipping a project because we'd have to run out to the tool bench in the garage, we've got a fix-it solution three steps from our kitchen area.  Lastly, if an item has been on the to-do list for more than three months we either do it that next weekend...or cross it off the to-do list entirely.  

If you don't want to 
make your bed, you
can always move into
a tent on the porch 
for the summer.

By keeping up on the little things, our "messes" tend to stay little.  In Eat That Frog, a productivity book by Brian Tracy, he advocates doing the "worst task first" to gain some momentum.  Admiral (and Navy SEAL retired) William McRaven talks about making your bed first thing, again to gain some momentum with something small to start.  In our dirty dishes analogy, you've got to get some gumption to get started if you're staring at a whole kitchen full of filthy dishes.  If, instead, you have a dirty dish...do a dirty dish and never let the big mess snowball like an avalanche, we stay on top of our problems.  This analogy can move to the less tangible realms of life.  

Instead of letting little problems fester into big ones, take time to clear the air occasionally.  I had one mentor in the fire service who ended up divorced and described that last year as "I couldn't stand how she chewed her (insert expletive) food."  We have to take time to not step over the mess in our relationships and let baggage build up emotionally, spiritually, healthwise, etc.  Bad news doesn't age well and just because we skip our annual physical doesn't mean we can double down on eating sweets for the rest of the year.  Take accountability and don't let your mess in whatever part of your life turn into Godzilla when it starts as a cute little lizard (if lizards of any size can be considered cute).  

Our construction
foreman was 
sleeping on the
job...regularly.

Finally, by not stepping over the proverbial messes, we don't let them grow in our own minds.  We bought a fixer-upper house and after mostly tearing it apart and rebuilding it, I'd left the trim off of a few rooms.  Somehow, despite moving walls, doing some re-wiring, tearing out carpet, installing wood floors, painting everything, and de-popcorning the ceilings...those few pieces of trim just grew in my head.  Similarly, putting a light in the living room ceiling sat on a to-do list for several years.  When we finally got around to doing it, the whole project took less than an afternoon.  By keeping our problems small, we don't get in our own heads and psych ourselves out of productivity.  

As we wrap up, doing the little things consistently well becomes how we do the big things...consistently well.  By owning the processes and systems in our homes...work, churches, communities, etc., we over time create a "pride and ownership" that becomes bigger than ourselves and ultimately leaves the world better than we found it.  Get in the habit of not stepping over the little messes...that's a great first step to meaningful, lasting action and habits.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Pick out three ways, this week, you're going to stop stepping over a mess (physical, spiritual, emotional, health, etc).  Figure out how you can make a habit or system for your family to automate it.  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Think about a "mess" that you habitually step over at work/school/church/home/etc.  Now talk about how you're going to (today) address it instead of stepping over it.  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in regards to "rules" for your home that help you keep molehills instead of making mountains.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Eat That Frog  by Brian Tracy

- Pride and Ownership

Crazy Like Us

Crazy Like Us

Rappelling off the roof
may be crazy to some,
to us, screen babysitting
for sure is.

There's a certain reality that hit us the other day - we're all crazy.  Perhaps different flavors, degrees, or dysfunctions, but at a certain level, we're all a little crazy.  Part of this recognition came from some post-family visit drives where the conversation started, "Your parents are crazy," then, "Well, so are your parents."  In unpacking that a bit, it became clear that we're all crazy in our own little ways whether we recognize or admit it or not.  This isn't an indictment that "crazy is bad" necessarily, but a call for asking the introspective question of "How are we crazy?" and the follow-up questions, "Is it a bad thing?" or "Do we want to change anything?  

In spending some intentional time thinking about this whole topic, a few things became clear.  Crazy might be in the eye of the beholder.  It may also be defined as "anything we're not doing."  In our example, we've followed Dave Ramsey and his financial teachings...and it works.  Therefore, at some level, those who are more subscribed to the more mainstream finance seem "crazy" to us.  We also work on items that prepare our family for future activities that may be on the horizon...for us, "non-preppers" become a little crazy for not being ready for future uncertainties.  Don't travel and expose your kids to lots of novel experiences - we'd probably brand you crazy.  

Driving across the country 
for a donut, likely crazy...
but probably worth it.

On the flip side, if you're a person who has a zillion-dollar mortgage, car payments, and who gets take-out every night on the way home...you probably think we're crazy.  For you, for us, for all of us...crazy is okay as long as we're good with it...and it doesn't impact others around us.  When crazy becomes dysfunctional is when it drives a wedge between you and those in your circle...even then, sometimes it's worth creating separation for your immediate family's health from other breeds of crazy in your circle.  Also, it's not great if your flavor of crazy is eating people...that's objectively nuts and you should avoid doing that.  

Letting a kid run a 
chainsaw - solo=crazy.  
Teaching=competent
adult down the road.

Part of what spurred this whole line of thought was a series of people saying some variation of "I didn't think life would turn out this way," including our 4-year-old about his homeschool schedule.  The discrepancy between our expectations or norms and our comparison is where we start to label something as crazy.  Often, this comparison is a 1-to-1 value judgment of "they are crazy, not me."  Other times, we are painting with a broader brush against a societal norm in comparison (e.g., the prevalence of credit cards in spite of the 20% interest charge).  There's also the very wider environment of doom scrolling and social media algorithms where we can dive down the rabbit hole and come to believe the entire world is inherently nuts and we're soaked in divisive content to make us scared and angry.  

Giving up the comforts
of home to cook a
weenie - not crazy.

No matter what "scale" of crazy you're comparing yourself to, any of them often create a wedge, an us-vs-them mentality, and don't help us in building community.  When we view ourselves as solely sane compared to those around us, we tend to become insular and self-righteous.  In the words of Garth Brooks, Going Against the Grain, it's sometimes important to be outside the herd, perhaps more so now than ever before as society seems to be going off the rails in so many ways like Babylon of ancient times.  It's also important to put aside some of our differences and seek a middle ground to build communities and tribes as well.  In a recent church example, two leaders got into it over some minor differences, each feeling the other was "crazy" and it resulted in dividing a church into two camps, and ultimately two churches...both pointing fingers at the other side.  The forest was missed for the trees...both leaders let "they're crazy" in a few tiny ways overshadow the, "we're all in this for praising God" mission statement.  

Riding a bull=crazy.
Riding a friend's 
horse=cool. 

Lastly, we got to thinking about how "crazy" can be a temporary state.  As Dr. Emerson Eggerich put it, we can get into a "crazy cycle", doing the kick-the-dog stuff with our loved ones.  Similar to the above, it's important to ask "Are we/Am I crazy?" and "What am I going to do about it?"  One way to address this may be to carry a post-it note and fill it up every day with reasons you're thankful for your spouse and family when home feels like a zoo.  When you look for and seek the wonderful things in your life, you'll notice them more often and cultivate them.  It's also important if you're in a crazy season (toddler, sleep training, potty training, new job, moving to a new city, etc.) that you give each other grace, over-communicate, and be patient.  

All of this to say, crazy happens.  It surrounds us.  It is us.  We need to realize we're probably crazy and unpack how/why we're crazy.  It's important to make intentional changes if we don't like what we're seeing or becoming.  Go do life in the ways that get you closer to your desired outcomes and end states...even if others brand you crazy...it's a good thing.  Just be sure you're conscious and intentional in your crazy.  

With you in the arena, from ours to yours...Happy Trails!

Call to Action: 

• Do a "crazy audit" where you sit down with yourself, your spouse, and your immediate family and ask the questions - "how are we crazy?"  Write down your answers and then ask the follow-up questions.  List out three reasons you're family is "crazy."  
• 1 - ___________________ 
• 2 - ___________________
• 3 - ___________________
• Follow up that conversation with a "now what/what's next" conversation and some concrete action steps or doubling down on those chosen actions, even if they feel crazy to others (e.g. paying off your mortgage early).  
• Discussion: Consider what you/your family could/would/should (level of commitment) and start/stop/sustain (action) in regards to "crazy" comparisons to others, society, or seasons.  

Further Reading, Motivation, and References:

- Dr. Emerson Eggerich's - Crazy Cycle